The Reality of Diversity

God must not get bored easily. When he goes into "creation" mode, it isn't just, "let me scribble with the fattest crayon so I can finish this project and get on to watching my TV show." That was clear to me in my trip to LA. So many PEOPLE! Allow me begin to describe my trip into God's vast masterpiece of humanity: It was Tuesday morning. After my long Monday of flying, I had fallen asleep in the middle of the livingroom, the inhabitants of the apartment still going about their evening routine. It was 10:00pm CA time, 1:00am my time. Then I proceeded to wake up at 5am CA time (8am my time). At 5am in a small apartment with thin walls and no "gluten free" breakfast options, I had no choice but to go out into the wide world and fend for myself. I had my iphone, my purse, and my walking shoes (literally, I wore my toed workout shoes, they are hideous and I got so many looks, but I knew I would be walking all over the place and I wanted to be comfortable. That is a very Ohio sentiment btw.). I did not, however have a plan. I decided to visit a church. I was looking for information, answers, and truth. Where better to start than at a church? LOL! I chose a church from my denomination because I felt we would at least have a starting point for conversation, and I set out. I was planning to walk. It was 4 hours away, by foot. It was 6am. I wasn't worried one bit. I started walking and ended up making a pit-stop at a local grocery store. After filling my purse with sensible snacks (paying for them first, of course!), I headed for the first leg of my journey. I made it about one mile, before I came upon a Metro station:) Standing at the Metro, was a Security Guard. I went to the same Metro station for the next two days, numerous times, and never did I see a security guard standing there. It was meant to be. The Guard looked up the place I was going, told me what trains and buses to take, and then sent me on my way to buy a metro ticket. He was really swell! I was trying to figure out the Metro Ticket Machine, and had just pushed the wrong button when who should appear but the angel in Guard clothing! He showed me how to cancel what I had done, then he showed me how to get the proper ticket (the $5 day pass). I must have seemed exceptionally clueless for him to decide to make sure I didn't need more help! But I was grateful he had! So, I was on my way. Not a care in the world. Enjoying the excitement of a new place... I found my way to the final bus I was to take with only minor glitches. The problem was, I was moving farther and farther into "South Central." Now, I love people, and generally people are perfectly trustworthy... But I went through cultural training with my father I don't even know how many times. I kept remembering, "You don't travel alone, you don't go certain places, you have to know where you are going and be aware of your surroundings at all times. Use the buddy system, always have a buddy." With my father's words ringing in my ears, I sat on a bus, and realized I stick out pretty bad! Darn these bright blue toe sneakers! I hid my feet, slid down in my seat, and checked my iphone to see what the next leg of the journey was... I was still a 45 minute walk from the church I had planned to go to. I decided it was time to abort the mission! Just then a very boistrous lady entered the bus. "If anyone suffers from any addiction, any marajuana, cigarettes, heroin, cocain, if any of that has you in BONDAGE I will lay hands on you, with your permission, and cast OUT that addiction in the name of JESUS!" She began quoting scripture, praying for everyone on the bus, and speaking in a made-up space language... Actually, it must have meant something, because she said the same thing over and over, but it wasn't a language I have ever heard before. She got off at her stop and I followed. I had found my "buddy." I stopped her and we talked for a bit. I asked if she knew of the church I was looking for, she said she hadn't heard of it, but she was headed to a Bible Study at her church. I thought, why not. Usually, the adventures God has in mind only take form when we have a blurry idea of where to go and make that first step. It was pretty blurry at that point, but I was happy for the company! She gave love to everyone we passed as we walked to the church, "You don't need those cigarettes! They are death! I only say it because I love you, you're beatuiful! YOu can be FREE with JEsus!" Some just smiled back, some said a sarcastic "love you too." And she even laid hands on one very pregnant girl and prayed for health and safty for her baby. It was a walk like I had never taken before. This lady talked to EVERYONE! If I thought I was introverted before, sheesh! Anyway, so we get to her church "bible study" and it is a full blown service. I put on the nice shoes I had stashed in my purse for such an occasion as this. The not very bible study like bible study came complete with worship music full of passion and movement like you can't get in my "cultural" area of the world. It was really fun, I loved every minute. And the sermon was exciting and riviting. Towards the end there was even a moment where the pastor laid hands on a lady with artheritis and healed her... well she said she could feel her joints a movin better:) At the end of the sermon, the pastor spoke about the riots that had happened twenty years ago that DAY, right there!!! Oh boy. SO that is where I had ended up. On the anniversary of the Rodney King Riots, I had visited the very spot where I would have been killed 20 years prior. So comforting. To make matters worse, my friend didn't leave with me. She was staying for a prayer meeting. I knew it was time to head back... But she did walk me to the bus stop. I got on that bus, trying to remember which stop to get off, and trying to not let my anxiety completely overtake me. Anxiety is something I have always had an overabundance of anyway. My dad always said, "You just have to be crazier than the crazies!" I guess I had surpassed that, big time. I got off the bus, walked to the next stop. I tried to look normal, but I had a sweater on in the middle of a warm California day... People passed. People went about their business... a few men clicked at me as I passed and bid me "hola"... I smiled and said, "hello" they were pretty surprised and didn't say anything else. I made it to the bus stop. I stood, waiting. I felt a strange peace. People are just people, it doesn't matter where you are. There was one moment when a man walked down the sidewalk carrying what looked like a hockey stick... at that moment my peace with heaven and earth lessened slightly... I walked up to a little donut shop and waited until he passed. I bought a water. The bus finally came, I returned to my comfort zone. And I was ashamed and how bashful I am when my God is so big. I met a beautiful lady who has grown up and flourished in that area of the world, and I was just terrifed I had entered it. It wasn't like it was night. It wasn't like I was in a sleezy bar or standing in a dark alley. But I was super uncomfortable. Because I was different? Because I knew I didn't belong? Because I had really terrible shoes on? Because I wasn't "from around there"? How quickly did I judge an area, an entire people group, on their "crime rating" on the LA Times website? And at what point are we being careful, and at what point is it being wise, and at what point is it being judgemental and prejudice and wrong? I loved that service. And if I ever go back to LA, I want to visit "the dome" but maybe I'll bring my hubby along for that adventure... The reality of Diversity is, it is beautiful. Beautiful and frightening because it is an unknown. But the beauty of humanity is there is a common thread, a common spirit, that unites all of us. Yes, it can be perverted and distorted, but it is there, in the poorest of neighborhoods, there is a Spirit that will unite and restore. And if we step out in Love, maybe we will mess up, but maybe beautiful things will start happening. "He is making all things new." In the words of the pastor, "South LA is rising, people! It is being restored! We are cleaning it up, people are motivated to love one another, we will RISE AGAIN and it all starts with LOVE!" Which ends the very first adventure of the very first day I was in LA. More to come, that is a promise.

Who Do You Think You Are?

I have to admit, L.A. was far from what I expected. Rumor has it that Tyra Banks was walking down the street and was “discovered” by a modeling scout… I know, I know, logically I was not expecting a similar fate being a mere 5”7’, not a graceful 5”11’… but deep in that secret dreamy place we all try to pretend we don’t have, I certainly entertained a “what-if” delusion as I walked through the LAX airport. After three days in the city, I came to three conclusions. 1. L.A. is very dirty and full of brokenness: broken buildings, broken signs, broken people, broken glass... 2. L.A. is extremely huge with many spread out neighborhoods and so many swarming masses of people it makes your head swim. 3. L.A. is not about the film industry, it is about power, money, and control (okay, it is about the film industry…) I mean, duh, right? It isn’t like I didn’t grow up hearing about why I shouldn’t run away to L.A. But as a small Midwestern girl, there was just something so enticing about the whole idea: the gamble of potential fame, the possibility of someday rubbing shoulders with the elite, the tiny chance that my beauty would out-shine so many others and the world would cherish me and validate me. From the moment I landed, God began to peel away the layers of deception that have always held my heart captive. I climbed into a car, with the girl from my town I was going to stay with, and rode off into the busy traffic of the city (it was 9:30pm). As we drove along, she began to tell me her story, and something hit me hard, in the face. Not literally, even though it was a convertible and we did put the top down… She said, “After all those submissions, I went to my agent to ask, ‘why are they all for the ugly girl?’ And he replied, ‘You are a beautiful girl by normal girl standards, don’t get me wrong, but you are TV ugly.” Now, this girl is lovely. She has stunningly long brown hair; a soft, round face; an amazing smile; and a great body! I looked over at her and thought, “If that is TV ugly, how does anyone stand a chance!” Then I began to wonder, who determines what TV ugly is? And who can sit across from a girl who has been carefully crafted by a loving creator and tell her she is ugly!? That is a reality God chose to show me immediately, within twenty minutes of landing. Beauty is not inherently possessed by the feminine creature because of the careful way she was formed, beauty is a strict set of qualities and if you were not “born that way,” you are not beautiful. Slightly jarred by this realization, I proceeded to fall asleep that night, still holding on to the idea that maybe, just maybe I am beautiful… but I was no longer sure… and that agent hadn’t even told me those terrifying words! The next day, not quite as sure about myself as I was when I landed, I decided to start out my adventures by going to church. The loss of my writing coupled with the insult I had heard the night before had sent me spiraling away from the original direction I had been going, and I wanted to seek truth and maybe some new direction. I figured, what better place to get direction than in a church building? It was a Tuesday morning and I woke up at 5am from jet lag. The only church that I could find in my denomination was about a four hour walk from where I was staying. Amazingly, there were others, but I chose that one… and that adventure is saved for my next blog…

A Journey into the Deep

On April 20, 2012, I was helping my husband do some last minute office work. He was out of town and driving home, I was making a quote for one of his customers. I was home, getting excited about my trip to L.A. The computer was acting funny, but I didn't think much of it. I tried four times to send an email, and it wouldn't send. I got frustrated and turned the thing off. A few minutes later, I returned to the computer to see if it just needed re-started. I was met with a black screen. I turned it off and on a few times. Sweat broke out on my forehead. My breathing became labored. All of my work was on that computer: four chapters from a marriage book and 17,000 words from my novel. The computer was less than a year old. Why would I ever think to back it all up? It has been exactly one week since the tragedy; one huge, amazing week. There isn't much more I can do but start over. Providentially, I sent the first three chapters of my marriage book out in emails to be read by some friends. I have those. But, nothing remains of my novel. Yes, I have my notebooks full of character description and scene breakdowns. But there was one scene, one particular scene that I didn't want to lose. It was a scene of catharsis, a scene of breakthrough, I wrote it and I loved it. I know I will never re-create what was in that scene. It wasn't so much the setting or what the characters did, it was more the fact that I read it to my mom and dad and we talked and I tinkered and the end result was amazing. I learned so much from my parents writing that scene, it became alive and not just words on the screen. I, however, am working on letting go. I am pretty dramatic and I am working towards being okay with something even better happening on the second go-round, but it is a process! Some days, I know it will be fine. Other days, I begin over and feel it is futile. That is why I decided to blog again. I have to get back into writing, but I am working out of a state of paralysis. But I am stepping forward. This blog is proof of that, if nothing else.

Of forgiveness and flowers

On May 2, Caleb brought me 26 long stemmed roses. And he brought them on his bike. It was nice. But then thus past weekend his did something super romantic, he came with me to a marriage retreat. That was wonderful. Love is a choice. And I know it is, but the letters we wrote to eachother were so uniting. The most important thing that is happening for us is, we have been studying idolatry. And it is amazing how relevant that study is for both of us. I have the ability to see myself as a pretty good person who sometimes messes up, but the truth is I am a sinner!! If it were not for my relationship with Christ, I would be incapable of having anything to do with God! It is humbling to be reminded of this fact, but it also creates little ability to judge!! Thus ever one of us needs to be accountable to someone. Because we see in ourselves not our sinful nature but what we do pretty well. God is working on my heart and things are going well.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Being married to an addict, I have had to learn a lot about addictions (for those of you who don't have first hand understanding of addiction, a recovering addict is still considered an addict)...I’ve learned the addictive cycles, detachment, co-dependence, healthy relationships, "Letting go and letting God"... etc...
But drug addiction, as I have come to understand it, is not different from any other sin. It is a break in relationship with God, with others, and with Self.
I've been reading an amazing book: The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior, by Craig Nakkin, and every time I read more, it seems that this struggle is completely and not uniquely the nature of sin.
The book refers to the person as the "Self." The Self wants to control the “Addict”, but eventually the Addict hijacks the Self and begins to control actions, relationships...priorities...
I remember when I was a little girl, my dad was teaching a lesson about sin and the devil. He had one of the rougher boys come up and stand beside him. He offered the boy a hug of friendship and then trapped him. He told the boy to try to get away, but the boy couldn't. He told the boys' friends to come and try to get him, and they couldn't. He explained, while holding a writhing, fighting youth, that no matter how hard you or the people you love try to get you out of sin... it just holds you tighter. He said the only way to get free is to cry out to Jesus to save you. The boy yelled "Help me Jesus" and my father put him down immediately.
All of these things that Caleb and I are going through, I have understood to a certain extent since childhood, but the reality of sin is much scarier than I could have ever imagined.
In his book, Nakkin talks about the "spiritual illness" that is addiction. "Addiction is an illness in which people believe in and seek spiritual connection through objects and behaviors that can only produce temporary sensations. These repeated, vain attempts to connect with the Divine produce hopelessness, fear, and grieving that further alienate the addict from spirituality and humanity."
Watching Caleb in and out of recovery, I have learned about his two people warring in one body.
The first person is amazing. He is adventurous and fun, exciting and full of energy. He is a caring, helpful, loving man who would do anything for his wife and adores rolling around on the floor making his children giggle and spoiling them with a sucker after dinner (or another surprise “Daddy type” treat.)
The second person is full of pain, regret, rationalization, and centered around deceit and impenetrable walls that will keep Addiction (the name of the second person) safe and functioning.
It has really gotten to the point where I can tell which person I am talking to. I'm learning, no one can reason with Addict. Addict is irrational and emotional. Addict lies and hides things. Addict drops emotional bombs to keep the status quo. Addict is scary.
In my mind and in my dreams and in my prayers, I see Addict as the captor. He holds Caleb so tightly, but as Caleb cries out to Jesus, he falls away. Completely dead. No ability to trip Caleb, ever again. Caleb steps forward, out of the Light of the Lord, the Light that has melted his chains, a free man. I know this is possible… And I pray fervently for that day.
It kills me to admit this to the rest of the world... I feel dirty and ashamed that my trials are not of the "dirty diapers; oh darling, what's for dinner" variety...
This roller coaster called addiction has turned my world upside down more than once.
But I have to realize, sin will do that, to anyone, whatever the sin may be. Jesus says “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” And so, through all of this, I have been given the opportunity to look inside myself and find the chains that have captured my heart. I have been able to offer them up to Christ and watch Him break my chains of worry, fear, and control… I’m still a work in progress, but Christ has really opened my eyes as well.
Another bright side is, I understand pain now. Someone broken has a kinship with the broken, that is why Christ became flesh and dwelt among us.
This is my cup.
I wish I could pass it.
But I take the next step, look to the next day, with a face looking heavenward and a heart full of hope I pray the light will shine through my brokenness to create in others a strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow. There is always hope in the Resurrection.
God bless you in your struggles,
Lindsay

Lying

Proverbs 26:28 "The lying tongue hates those who are crushed by it, and a flattering mouth works ruin." NKJV
"Liars hate their victims, flatterers sabotage trust." -The Message

Someone I know lies, a lot. I never looked at it this way, maybe that is why being lied to hurts so much... because deep down, if you're lying to someone, you can't really love them. Can you? Can you love someone and lie to them? Can you be there for someone you can't trust? Or will the relationship always be doomed...
Spring colds are the worst... they make it hard to think straight.

Turmoil

Psalm 44, time to start devotions again... it has been a whole month!!
I actually have been having devotions...just not writing, because I guess when it comes to cyber space "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" is a motto that seems to work best. Mostly because once something is published it is out there for others to read and even if you go back and delete it, there is no for sure that it will be better...
So now that there is a bit of time and space between... I can write a bit less emotionally and a bit more objectively (not completely of course because I'm still in the midst of being a human).
Caleb and I have been under attack. We were not paid by a large job, our house has been flooding since the end of February, Caleb's grandpa died (and they were very close)...and then there's all this other stuff.
Now, that other stuff is, at this moment between family... perhaps some day it will end up on here, but I don't want to hurt anyone or say things that I shouldn't (because that is my tendancy)...
But just know that we are super under attack and I don't quite know why.
That is why I have not written in a month.
Psalm 50
5- "Gather my saints together to Me, Those who have made a covenant with Me by sacrifice."
We just celebrated Easter... but although we do remember the sacrifice of Christ, we don't really grasp it terribly well. We didn't grow up making sacrifices... and there are animal cruelty laws, etc. that keep the practice from being a part of mainstream culture...oh, and the fact that Christ was the ultimate sacrifice and so they are not necessary anymore.
But how easy it is for us to forget what that really was. To actally EXPERIENCE the death that our sins caused, watch it, see our atonement...
I think it would make the covenant we are in as Christians more a focal point, more understood... I think it is something we just gloss over. But the death and resurrection happened. And the resurrection doesn't keep that death from being any less gruesome or any less painful... We are called to follow Him... and it is really painful sometimes.
51:16 "For you do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offering. The sacrifice of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart- these, O God, You will not despise."
I guess that is the key. The sacrifce was always for our benefit too... but we must have the proper repentant spirit...
51:8 "Make me hear joy and gladness, that the bones You have broken may rejoice."
So, when I am hurt or upset or angry or hurt, I try to be open and allow God to teach me through these things, but it is really difficult! A sister in faith gave me something yestarday that I know she gave simply to be helpful, but it made me so rebelliously ANGRY! It was an excerpt from a book that, although perhaps it was speaking the truth in love, I did not want to read at this point in my life... but rather than burn it, I did read it... and I am contemplating it's words today... but wow, it is hard to be "disciplined."
Proverbs 25:16 "Have you found honey? Eat only as much as you need, lest you be filled with it and vomit." :)